Setting Feedback Up for Success — Before the Conversation Even Starts

When we talk about giving feedback, most of the advice out there focuses on how to say the thing. But what I have learned over time is that the real magic happens before the conversation even starts. Setting the stage can be the difference between feedback landing as a gift or feeling like an attack. Some of the most effective feedback conversations I have had - both from giving and receiving - actually started with a letter. When there's a lot to say, taking the time to write it down helps in more ways than one. It lets you rewrite, refine, and make sure the message you intend is the message that gets carried forward. You can catch moments where your tone might be too harsh, or where you're speaking from frustration instead of clarity. From the recipient's perspective, it's a game-changer. When you send feedback ahead of the conversation, you're giving the person time to digest it, reflect on it, and even come into the discussion prepared with their own questions. The conversation stops being a one-sided performance and becomes a shared space. They get to guide the conversation in the areas that matter most to them, rather than just reacting on the spot. Plus, the written feedback becomes something they can return to later, long after the emotional charge of the moment fades. I know this because I've experienced it myself. One of the most powerful moments in my own growth journey came from written feedback a lead shared with me. It was hard to read, sure - honest feedback often is - but it gave me a mirror I could not ignore. Over time, I kept going back to it, using it not just as a reminder of mistakes to avoid, but as motivation to become better. Without that level of clear, intentional feedback, I don't think I would have grown the way I did. When I give feedback now, I try to be intentional, but I'm still learning. I've used the SBIA framework (Situation, Behavior, Impact, Action) to help keep feedback specific, but even that isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. Every person is different. Every situation is different. Tools are helpful, but true leadership means tailoring your approach to the individual. I only use the “letter beforehand” method if I believe it's the best fit for the person I'm trying to reach. As for mistakes, I'm sure I rushed or winged feedback conversations earlier in my journey. No matter how well-intentioned, when you are unprepared, it's easy to miss the heart of what you want to say - and even easier for your feedback to feel random or unfair to the person receiving it. At the end of the day, the real lesson is that feedback isn't about what you say. It's about who you are trying to reach, and how you're trying to help them grow. The better you know your team, the more you realize that the way you give feedback to one person might look very different from how you give it to another - and that's not just okay, it's necessary. It's a skill to develop, and you will make mistakes. But if you stay open to feedback yourself, your team will help you get better at helping them. It becomes a conversation, not just a correction. And really, isn't that the point? Next time: The Art of Receiving Feedback Without Losing Yourself

May 13, 2025 - 09:48

Setting Feedback Up for Success — Before the Conversation Even Starts

When we talk about giving feedback, most of the advice out there focuses on how to say the thing. But what I have learned over time is that the real magic happens before the conversation even starts. Setting the stage can be the difference between feedback landing as a gift or feeling like an attack.

Some of the most effective feedback conversations I have had - both from giving and receiving - actually started with a letter.

When there's a lot to say, taking the time to write it down helps in more ways than one. It lets you rewrite, refine, and make sure the message you intend is the message that gets carried forward. You can catch moments where your tone might be too harsh, or where you're speaking from frustration instead of clarity.

From the recipient's perspective, it's a game-changer.

When you send feedback ahead of the conversation, you're giving the person time to digest it, reflect on it, and even come into the discussion prepared with their own questions. The conversation stops being a one-sided performance and becomes a shared space. They get to guide the conversation in the areas that matter most to them, rather than just reacting on the spot. Plus, the written feedback becomes something they can return to later, long after the emotional charge of the moment fades.

I know this because I've experienced it myself.

One of the most powerful moments in my own growth journey came from written feedback a lead shared with me. It was hard to read, sure - honest feedback often is - but it gave me a mirror I could not ignore. Over time, I kept going back to it, using it not just as a reminder of mistakes to avoid, but as motivation to become better. Without that level of clear, intentional feedback, I don't think I would have grown the way I did.

When I give feedback now, I try to be intentional, but I'm still learning.

I've used the SBIA framework (Situation, Behavior, Impact, Action) to help keep feedback specific, but even that isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. Every person is different. Every situation is different. Tools are helpful, but true leadership means tailoring your approach to the individual. I only use the “letter beforehand” method if I believe it's the best fit for the person I'm trying to reach.

As for mistakes, I'm sure I rushed or winged feedback conversations earlier in my journey. No matter how well-intentioned, when you are unprepared, it's easy to miss the heart of what you want to say - and even easier for your feedback to feel random or unfair to the person receiving it.

At the end of the day, the real lesson is that feedback isn't about what you say.

It's about who you are trying to reach, and how you're trying to help them grow.

The better you know your team, the more you realize that the way you give feedback to one person might look very different from how you give it to another - and that's not just okay, it's necessary.

It's a skill to develop, and you will make mistakes. But if you stay open to feedback yourself, your team will help you get better at helping them. It becomes a conversation, not just a correction.

And really, isn't that the point?

Next time: The Art of Receiving Feedback Without Losing Yourself