Dev.to

Say What You Mean (Without Being a Jerk)

A Truth Bomb Can Blow Up the Room Someone botched a deploy. You know how. You know why. You lean in. You speak. And you drop a truth bomb. It’s clean. It’s accurate. It’s sharp. And the room freezes. Teammates stiffen. Your lead mumbles, “Let’s circle back.” You weren’t wrong. But you also weren’t helpful. Let’s unpack that. Honesty Without a Helmet At some point, you drop the hedging. You stop overexplaining. You get direct. Good. You’ve leveled up past timidness. But now you’re swinging too far. “I’m just being honest” becomes your armor. “I say it like it is” becomes a flex. Here’s the thing: If people stop listening when you talk, it doesn’t matter how right you are. Technical accuracy is not the same as influence. And blunt isn’t the same as clear. And when your delivery shuts people down, you’re not just failing to help - you’re blocking. Unclear, harsh, or delayed feedback is one of the most under-recognized bottlenecks on a team. If you want to lead well, remember: The Best Engineers Don’t Block – They Unblock. Spoiler: Empathy Doesn’t Make You Wrong There’s a myth in senior engineering circles that kindness weakens critique. That if you soften the edges, you’re pulling your punch. Not true. Empathy isn’t a muzzle. It’s a megaphone. When you pair truth with care, people get it. They absorb it. They use it. That’s not dilution. That’s reach. And here’s the bigger point: the way you talk shapes whether people dare to talk back. And if your team’s scared to speak up, they’ll avoid “looking dumb” instead of preventing real mistakes. That’s why it matters to Ask Dumb Questions Early - and why your tone helps determine whether they’ll ever ask them at all. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someone Else The fastest way to check your tone is to question your intent: Am I trying to help - or just be right? Do I want a better outcome - or just a win? Will this make someone smarter - or just quieter? Feedback with ego attached feels like an attack. People might nod, but they won’t change. Speak with the intent to build, not just to be heard. The result? Fewer standoffs. More movement. Tone Is the Silent Pull Request The way you phrase things changes whether they’re accepted - or just tolerated. Blunt: “You didn’t handle null. This’ll break.” Better: “Think we might need to guard against null here.” Blunt: “This makes no sense.” Better: “I’m having trouble following this - can we walk through it?” Blunt: “This keeps happening.” Better: “We’ve hit this a few times—worth adding a pattern?” This isn’t just good manners. It’s team culture in action. The way you leave comments, ask questions, and challenge decisions silently defines how your team works—and whether it works at all. Your Team’s Culture Is Written in Your Pull Requests. This article is just the deeper dive on how to write those pull requests like someone people want to build with. Feedback ≠ Flame War Telling someone their work is broken isn’t feedback. It’s commentary. Real feedback is like debugging: you don’t just point at the failure - you trace the cause, explore context, and co-create the fix. Before you speak: What’s unclear to them? What would help them improve next time? Are they in a place to hear this? If your words don’t unlock progress, they’re just noise. Communication: The Hidden API You spend hours making your code readable. But when it’s time to talk? You wing it. That’s backward. Words are your real interface. You unblock, align, de-escalate, mentor - all through language. Better communication means: Less drama Faster decisions Fewer silent disasters This isn’t soft skills fluff. This is infrastructure. Final Commit: Be Heard, Not Just Quoted You already know how to write clean code. Now write clean sentences. Say what you mean. But say it like you want it to land - not just get applause. That’s not just how you stay respected. That’s how you stay useful.

Apr 20, 2025 - 10:34

Say What You Mean (Without Being a Jerk)

A Truth Bomb Can Blow Up the Room

Someone botched a deploy. You know how. You know why. You lean in. You speak.

And you drop a truth bomb.

It’s clean. It’s accurate. It’s sharp.

And the room freezes. Teammates stiffen. Your lead mumbles, “Let’s circle back.”

You weren’t wrong. But you also weren’t helpful.

Let’s unpack that.

Honesty Without a Helmet

At some point, you drop the hedging. You stop overexplaining. You get direct.

Good. You’ve leveled up past timidness.

But now you’re swinging too far. “I’m just being honest” becomes your armor. “I say it like it is” becomes a flex.

Here’s the thing:

If people stop listening when you talk, it doesn’t matter how right you are.

Technical accuracy is not the same as influence. And blunt isn’t the same as clear.

And when your delivery shuts people down, you’re not just failing to help - you’re blocking. Unclear, harsh, or delayed feedback is one of the most under-recognized bottlenecks on a team.

If you want to lead well, remember: The Best Engineers Don’t Block – They Unblock.

Spoiler: Empathy Doesn’t Make You Wrong

There’s a myth in senior engineering circles that kindness weakens critique. That if you soften the edges, you’re pulling your punch.

Not true.

Empathy isn’t a muzzle. It’s a megaphone.

When you pair truth with care, people get it. They absorb it. They use it. That’s not dilution. That’s reach.

And here’s the bigger point: the way you talk shapes whether people dare to talk back. And if your team’s scared to speak up, they’ll avoid “looking dumb” instead of preventing real mistakes.

That’s why it matters to Ask Dumb Questions Early - and why your tone helps determine whether they’ll ever ask them at all.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someone Else

The fastest way to check your tone is to question your intent:

Am I trying to help - or just be right?
Do I want a better outcome - or just a win?
Will this make someone smarter - or just quieter?

Feedback with ego attached feels like an attack. People might nod, but they won’t change.

Speak with the intent to build, not just to be heard. The result? Fewer standoffs. More movement.

Tone Is the Silent Pull Request

The way you phrase things changes whether they’re accepted - or just tolerated.

Blunt:
“You didn’t handle null. This’ll break.”
Better:
“Think we might need to guard against null here.”

Blunt:
“This makes no sense.”
Better:
“I’m having trouble following this - can we walk through it?”

Blunt:
“This keeps happening.”
Better:
“We’ve hit this a few times—worth adding a pattern?”

This isn’t just good manners. It’s team culture in action. The way you leave comments, ask questions, and challenge decisions silently defines how your team works—and whether it works at all.

Your Team’s Culture Is Written in Your Pull Requests. This article is just the deeper dive on how to write those pull requests like someone people want to build with.

Feedback ≠ Flame War

Telling someone their work is broken isn’t feedback. It’s commentary.

Real feedback is like debugging: you don’t just point at the failure - you trace the cause, explore context, and co-create the fix.

Before you speak:

What’s unclear to them?
What would help them improve next time?
Are they in a place to hear this?

If your words don’t unlock progress, they’re just noise.

Communication: The Hidden API

You spend hours making your code readable. But when it’s time to talk? You wing it.

That’s backward.

Words are your real interface. You unblock, align, de-escalate, mentor - all through language.

Better communication means:

Less drama
Faster decisions
Fewer silent disasters

This isn’t soft skills fluff. This is infrastructure.

Final Commit: Be Heard, Not Just Quoted

You already know how to write clean code.

Now write clean sentences.

Say what you mean. But say it like you want it to land - not just get applause.

That’s not just how you stay respected. That’s how you stay useful.